Fourth.

God damn it holidays are so difficult.

The only “productive” thing I have done today is dropped my car off early to get serviced tomorrow.

I have taken four naps and two klonopin today.

My browser history is currently showing suicide rates throughout the country and how holidays affect the rates. I don’t know, but I’m trying to maybe find SOME comfort in someone maybe…. possibly knowing what I’m feeling like right now. Completely alone.

The last two days have been weird. Somehow, and I think this is all my ex’s doing- my phone number was given out (orrrrrrrr my ex got 58*** {yes I blocked 58 god damn phone numbers last night} burner numbers and decided to harass me on them) and I was being bombarded with texts from YES 58 NUMBERS July 2 and 3.

I did not answer ANY of the unknown texts. I blocked all of the numbers and the last unknown text I got was this morning July 4th at 6:30 am. This is so bizarre to me, but this is not unlike my ex to have something to do with this. I received many (always unsolicited) explicit photos of women and men’s genitalia and I’m so uncomfortable. I have never ever sent ANYONE risky photos of myself, nor have I ever taken any risky photos. It is just not my personal nature. However, some of the texts had said that (my) number was on a chat app I had never heard of before- and I have never signed up for. I feel a little defeated from this bizarreness.

I’m checking over my shoulder CONSTANTLY and I have taken two klonopins already.

Wondering when things get better.

I’m so tired.

Is anyone out there?

I’m scared. I hate feeling like this. I know I’m slipping, but I don’t know how to stop the downfall. I am grossed out by this holiday weekend in its entirety, solely because I am 100% completely alone- physically and with my thoughts also. I do not have work tomorrow or Friday, which would be a good thing for most people: BUT the second I left at 2 pm today I felt my depression and anxiety heightening. What am I supposed to do without that positive, proactive distraction?

What am I supposed to do for 4 whole days alone?

I have had an abundance of crying outbursts in the last four hours. I have no friends. 4th of July is supposed to be a happy and fun holiday, but I’m just going to be alone in a dark room, sleeping my life away.

I can’t turn my brain off.

I fucking hate this.

K’pin calm 😜

I thought this title was v clever on my end- a play on “keeping calm” : benzos edition!!! πŸ’Š. I’m not funny though so it’s cool if you didn’t get the joke- and I realize me having to further explain the “joke” makes it less funny woot woot!!!

You seem level-headed today and I am proud of you!” were impressed words that came out of my psychologist’s mouth ten minutes into our session yesterday. “Ha!”, I thought, and I more than likely said that aloud.

“I do feel a little bit better. I feel a little more grounded in the past two weeks”, was a true answer, but I wanted to emphasize *little* because I do still feel like I’m underwater at times. It is always going to be that way.

Coincidentally, I’m eating Chinese food as I write this blog post—- shhhh I have barely eaten in the past few weeks (and yes, my doctors know/have been concerned), but I got a little appetite back tonight and this is what my brain wanted. Hi, concerned stranger. I am very aware that processed foods and MSGs do NOTHING to boost mood, but this is what I wanted to eat as a first solid meal in at least two weeks dang it. Anyway, back to my train of thought (sorry- if you did not know I have legitimately diagnosed ADHD πŸ€ͺ):

My fortune cookie reads:

Courage comes through suffering.

Ladies and gents, OH MY have I been suffering in the last month 😜. I don’t feel courageous though, so I really don’t think it applies to me. Back to last night’s session though, after my psychologist remarked that I presented in a a better rationale state, she asked me what I was doing in the last few weeks to keep me grounded and to keep my anxiety and depression at a tolerable level.

Honest answer is just: klonopin. 🌈

I don’t have an abundance of tools in my self-esteem/die- depression tool belt to have proactively made myself feel better these last few weeks, alone. My brain is in overdrive, but I know when I am losing control of my thoughts. I am able to recognize the sirens going off in my head that are telling me to calm the f* down. But I can’t keep calm on my own.

I have spoken to my friend that things went south with. Through dialogue, I feel more calm because I no longer believes he doesn’t want me in his life ever again, which made me feel like dying if I wasn’t already. That’s a shitty feeling for anyone to sit with, so I’m glad the bubble was burst on that negative thought. We’ll have a lot of work ahead of us, but in the meantime I have klonopin to be my friend so I’m trying to be good 😜.

✌️

-anonymous

Make a wish…

It’s 8:54 pm as I write this.

I just finished getting ready for the night to end.

When I looked in my bathroom’s mirror and saw my sad and worn complexion, I saw a stray eyelash resting beneath my tired right eye.

I carefully collected the piece of me that had escaped.

I was more gentle with this single, stray eyelash than I have been with my entire body in such a long time.

“Close your eyes”, I thought.

“Make a wish”.

I wished for my life to go back to the way it was.

I will never have that.

Vacati- well that was a rough week. (CW: su*cide)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

I can’t wait to go back to work tomorrow and get out of my dang head. Vacation was… yuck. It’s Sunday evening now, and I finally kicked the physically shitty symptoms of sickness only two days ago, on Friday.

Overall, I would say that emotionally I have felt a little bit better this week, but I have not been perfect. News of a Youtuber’s su***de this week really threw me for a loop. To be clear, I had no idea who this man was until I kept seeing news alerts pop up on my phone and my Twitter feed. The grim news made me feel more depressed, and I truthfully have no idea why the thought of controlling my own death doesn’t make me sad, but others’ does. I don’t know what part of me is missing, but I definitely found myself in some dimmed valleys this week.

The thought of cutting again has re-entered my brain a lot this week, but I have been good about not acting on the urge to hurt myself. I have broken a few too many rubber bands on my wrist this week while combating the urge to act on my thoughts. I just keep thinking about a blade. What it would feel like on my skin again. What it would feel like to see blood again. Would I feel a relief of emotions? Would I feel happy? Would I feel anything?….

I have not, and I most likely will not do anything of that nature tonight. But, I have to be honest with my thoughts. This week has been wild.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

If you have been struggling with depression and or suicidal thoughts, please know there is help out there for you!

Wanted

All my life I’ve just wanted to be… wanted. I’ve wanted to be fully accepted of who I am with all of my weirdness (don’t apologize for your weirdness, at least I think it’s cool), and I’ve wanted to feel secure in the friendships and relationships I have in my life.

I don’t have that at the moment, and I don’t really have much besides myself. I used to be really good at being lonely, but then I let one bad person into my life and chaos ensued. Then the cycle-o-loneliness repeated itself: I shut down. This was almost a year ago to the day (lovely August 2018). At least this time last year to the day, I still felt trapped with the person and bad things were happening. I escaped fully late last summer, and I closed off any and everyone in my life like a scared turtle retreating as quickly as possible into its shell as a car comes speeding by.

In December of 2018, I was introduced to a really great person, almost four months after I thought my life was over. In fact, I had actively wanted my life to be over; things were so difficult. But my mental health team didn’t know any of my struggles at the time because I was so ashamed of myself and I placed blame on myself for things I know now that are not my fault. My mental health team didn’t really start to get the full picture until this friend popped into my life, and got me to believe that I deserved support.

I still remember the fear I felt when we were starting out our friendship: I had just spent months being a hermit out of necessity of my body being in fight or flight mode, and I didn’t want to push this person away but I know that’s what I learned to do. Self- sabotage is what the cool kids call it. It has become my most hated flaw that I have of myself. I don’t even realize I’m doing it, but it happens.

I had really gotten to know this person emotionally. They were the best confidant, they were kind, they were respectful, and they made me feel wanted. This was a feeling I had lost and it was unfamiliar when it was being reintroduced, but it was so pleasant. Dare I say: this person helped me feel WHOLE again, and they don’t even realize that…

This person IS goodness. Six months later after we met, I have nothing bad I could ever say about this friend. This friend means the world to me, and I want the best of the best for them. In classic me—–shit I almost just typed out my name—– fashion, I self sabotaged our friendship. I am hopeful that it isn’t ruined forever, but it is such an unbearable feeling when I’m trying to fix things and apologize for all my bad things, and I know the person just needs a break from me.

I need a break from me too, and that is so… hard with anxiety and depression. Writing things out has been helping, though.

Friend, if you’re reading this: all I want is to go to K’s, get some sushi, and have things back to the way they used to be. You are goodness and I pray for the day we get to put this all behind us…